Marine Corps Marathon is Sunday. I'm under-trained. By a lot. I got injured over the summer and found myself almost 6 weeks off my plan, then school started and I just couldn't catch back up. So I find myself facing down 26.2 knowing full well that I may not finish. There is a decent chance that I don't "beat the bridge" and that's okay. It wasn't at first.  I really wanted to beat my time from last year (a slow 6.5 hours), I wanted to run with my co-worker who is doing her first marathon, and I obviously wanted to represent my teams, both Team Running Strong and Fleet Feet Syracuse, well. That just wasn't in the cards though- so instead I'm going to have fun. I'll take it easy as I run, take pictures, high five spectators, cheer other runners on and if I beat the bridge, awesome, and if I don't, that's okay too. Hopefully I'll be able to get myself to the finish line to cheer on the rest of my team! 

This election cycle has been nothing if not insane. Last year I taught a 7th grade AVID class that morphed into a PoliSci class midyear as it became abundantly clear that my students wanted to talk about the Election. I figured that if that's what they were interested in then that's what we would talk about. It was incredibly interesting to me to get their perspective on it. They are not voters, not yet, but their life experiences have given them a unique view on this years candidates. At least half of my class were students who are not from the US... some were from countries like Cuba, others are refugees from African countries, most have lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our move from AVID to PoliSci came quickly, as Trump said things that scared them they began to ask questions. One Muslim student asked if she were going to be kicked out of the US. Another student asked if they'd have to move to camps.

I'lll admit that I underestimated Trump. I thought it was all for show and that he had no intention of actually being a the Republican Candidate. I said to my students early on that he was really good at selling himself, he was a great showman, but that he wouldn't ever be a serious candidate. I'm the first to admit I was wrong. The things he said seemed like such a small thing, they seemed like things that you say, but couldn't really ever act on. Trump could say that we were banning all the Muslims, but he couldn't really do it. It was bluster. It was a headline. For my students though, it was a reminder of a life they've already lived. Those words were linked to things they've already experienced. As cliche as it sounds, I was learning more from my students then I was teaching them. Sure I taught them about the process, about debates and the electoral college, about how primaries and caucuses were run and how the road to the White House would unfold. They taught me about how words can instill fear, how words can give people the power to act out and how elections effect more then the people who vote. I looked forward to our conversations every day, and I miss them now that my class has moved on to 8th grade and we only see each other passing in the hall or when they get a minute to come to the library and say hi. 

Just because the class is over, doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about this election. How could you not? It''s everywhere. Plus I really like politics, I like watching debates and reading the coverage. I'm not a Clinton fan. I don't think she will make a good president. Still... Trump is an actual horrible human being. The fact that he has made it this far is a astounding to me. But here we are, and I'm left wondering about what exactly is happening in our country right now. 

Which brings me to what prompted this post. It's been a long time coming, but I couldn't quite figure out the right words or tone. Until Facebook delivered me with the answer. 

A few days ago a friend posted the video of Michelle Obama taking Donald Trump to task over his comments to Billy Bush. You know the ones, where he bragged about sexual assault. The post was made public instead of just to her friends and what happened in the comments of her post is a perfect example of how vitriolic and polarizing this election season has become. 

If you haven't seen the speech yet, give it a look and then meet me back here. I have thoughts. 

This past weekend was the Out of Darkness Walk to support the American Foundation Suicide Prevention. For the last few years I walked with family members to remember the people we've lost, to help support people who are struggling. We walk specifically to remember my cousin Chris... Facebook reminded me today how long it has been. Too long, but it seems like it just happened too. This year I didn't walk. I signed up and planned to go, but instead I went camping with friends. Back in June when it got bad, when I realized that I was not okay, I also realized that I had to stop pretending that the world was fine. I realized I had to get help... so I did. In September when school started back up I struggled. There was one weekend that was probably the worst it has ever been and I really didn't think it was going to end.

​And that's the thing that makes it hard- when you are in it, when you feel the darkness pressing in, when you can't stop your mind from racing and playing the "what if" game, when you start to wonder if you are going crazy, you really feel like it's never going to stop. Then it does. For me, my anxiety makes me live with the constant worry that at any moment I'll slip back into a panic attack, or depression. I no longer know my triggers, so the fear of going back to that place is a tangible thing that I think about at least once a day. Luckily for me I've been fine since early September. I know it's just a matter of time though before I'll be asked to fight again and that's okay, because this is who I am and I've at least managed to find some new ways to cope. 

The funny thing about tattoos is that they are a insanely personal thing. People get them for all different reasons- some just like the art, some use them to memorialize, some use them to heal. Some do them for multiple reasons. I'm a bit of a mixed pot. I have a few that I got when I was younger that don't have a ton of meaning, I have a few that are used as reminders of people that have passed. I have one that reminds me of my favorite place in the world (Wyoming), I have my daughters name on my arm. Now I have two that remind me that I will be okay. Most people get it. They don't question my choices and they don't ask for an explanation. There were a few that questioned whether or not I had too many tattoos, they thought that they would lose meaning the more I got. To be honest, those comments really hurt, but I had to realize that I don't get them to please anyone but myself. I don't need people to like them, I don't need people to understand them, I'd like people to be accepting, but I can't control them, so I have to be okay if they don't. At the end of the day I'm happy with my ink and I can't wait to get another one!

The other thing I said I was going to do to keep myself level was to go and have fun. No stress, just fun. Which is why I chose to go camping instead of joining the walk. I'm not in the right place to do the walk right now. Camping was amazing and it was exactly what I needed to combat the stress. We went up to the Adirondacks and stayed at the beautiful Moffitt Beach Campground and then we hiked Giant (we didn't make it to the top- stupid storm) and then in the morning we found a waterfall to go check out and I decided it was a great idea to jump in. It was freezing. It was so cold that it took my breath away. Still, how often do you find yourself in the middle of the woods, at a waterfall with no one else around? I debated NOT jumping in, but that didn't feel right, so I tossed my bag aside and went for a swim. In 49 degree fall weather. In my clothes. We also had the chance to just be silly and relax. Which is probably the most important thing. It was a great reset to take before heading back to work. We also made a video, because that's how we roll.